This episode was very hard to do.

During chemotherapy my mind would hit different pockets of darkness. I’d have moments of sadness and loneliness. After chemo was done things began to settle for myself. Mentally I’m phasing it out and saying to myself “okay cool, no more chemo sessions. I get my life back!”. No. It doesn’t work that way. Sorry, it’s not that easy. Constantly trying to figure things out for myself like when am I going back to work. Medical bills. Health insurance. CT Scans. And what the hell am I eating today. I am constantly screaming at myself in my head. And I just want to get away. Like sit secluded without worrying about anything. But life doesn’t work that way.

So in episode 3 of my Dear God series this was a result. Or what was about to be a result. My mind went completely dark and I was drowning in my thoughts. I wrote in my journal that morning and afterwards I began to write my final letter to my family. That’s how far it went. And I’m so happy and thankful for my mom and dad picking up that FacTime call (thank you God) before things went left. Never in my life has my mind went that completely dark. So why now? I have so many questions that I need to find answers to. And I’m not sure if it’s because of chemo. But I’m sharing this to let others know that you aren’t alone. I’m living it right now. This very day. I’m fighting the hell out of depression. And I’m fighting for hope.