Hope Dealer (Documentary)

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Tonight, my cancer story takes center stage. Thanks to the incredible talent and dedication of my friend/brother, Raúl, my journey will be shared with the world. This documentary is more than just a film; it's a testament to the unwavering support of those around us.

I hope this film resonates with you, no matter your circumstances. Whether you're battling your own health challenges or simply searching for your purpose, I believe there's something in this story for everyone.

To Raúl, I cannot express my gratitude enough for your belief in me and your ability to transform my experiences into a powerful narrative. Your artistry and compassion have brought this story to life in a way I never imagined.

Thank you for joining me on this journey and be sure to tune in here or watch below.

Dear God (003) - 988

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This episode was very hard to do.

During chemotherapy my mind would hit different pockets of darkness. I’d have moments of sadness and loneliness. After chemo was done things began to settle for myself. Mentally I’m phasing it out and saying to myself “okay cool, no more chemo sessions. I get my life back!”. No. It doesn’t work that way. Sorry, it’s not that easy. Constantly trying to figure things out for myself like when am I going back to work. Medical bills. Health insurance. CT Scans. And what the hell am I eating today. I am constantly screaming at myself in my head. And I just want to get away. Like sit secluded without worrying about anything. But life doesn’t work that way.

So in episode 3 of my Dear God series this was a result. Or what was about to be a result. My mind went completely dark and I was drowning in my thoughts. I wrote in my journal that morning and afterwards I began to write my final letter to my family. That’s how far it went. And I’m so happy and thankful for my mom and dad picking up that FacTime call (thank you God) before things went left. Never in my life has my mind went that completely dark. So why now? I have so many questions that I need to find answers to. And I’m not sure if it’s because of chemo. But I’m sharing this to let others know that you aren’t alone. I’m living it right now. This very day. I’m fighting the hell out of depression. And I’m fighting for hope.

Dear God (002) - Pray

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These episodes are getting harder and heavier to edit. I’ve planned out the first 6 episodes but man, it’s difficult as hell reliving these moments. The footage you’ll see was taken 2 days after my fifth round of chemo. I was going through it mentally. Mind caving in, drowning in my own thoughts. I took these photos in between round 5 & 6 which explains that void I was feeling during this stage. This was the start of a dark journey for myself that I’m still struggling today.

Episode 3 will take some time as that one discusses some dark moments during my cancer journey. And to be honest, I have no timeline on when that will air but when it does, just take a deep breath before pressing play. Sure many will relate.

Thank you for taking the time to be part of my journey by simply pressing play. Peace and love ya’ll.

Dear God...(Series)

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Throughout my cancer journey I’ve been journaling to help with my mental health. I know I wanted to do something creative with it. Documentary of some sort. I came up with this idea researching action cameras one day. So I grabbed a GoPro Hero 10 and mounted it on my Leica Q2 and here we are. First episode of my new YT Shorts series entitled Dear God. I’ve been sitting on my YouTube for over ten years. I usually use Vimeo but it’s time to build this community on that side. Please feel free to subscribe to the channel, check out some of my older work and just build with me. This is going to be a new fun journey I’m taking. Look forward to growing with you on there. Anyways, check out Episode 1 here or press play below, and as they say - like, comment and subscribe, lol.

Holding on.

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The road to recovery has been a long one. Complete transparency and I’m going to just speak from the heart. I’ve been struggling hard mentally the past few weeks. I feel lost, anxious, scared, lonely and deeply depressed. I can’t even open up my email without being an emotional mess because it’s just medical bills and bullshit. I’ve been so far deep into the dark end, and I’m terrified where it may lead.

Having cancer has effected me tremendously. I pushed myself through 8 brutal rounds of chemotherapy, partial gastrectomy, HIPEC, multiple blood work and scans (ongoing), 2 bowel obstructions with another surgery on the horizon and I’m just…fuckin’ tired. I’m drained mentally. Only thing that keeps me going at this point is my beautiful family. I can’t go a day without crying to my mom on FaceTime because I’m not sure if it’s the last time I’ll speak to her. Something about Mom’s they just know when something is wrong. And I know it pains my dad to see me like this. Told me to keep pushing, “I retire next year. You can do it! Just me and you spending our days fishing and crabbing. Whatever you want to do we’ll do it together.”  And I’m trying my hardest to make it. I am trying.

My son started school this week so it’s an abrupt change to my routine. I had a sigh of relief at first, “cool he’s going back to school and I can get back to my morning ME time.” But no, I don’t want to be left alone. That’s my little side kick, my mini-me and best friend. Baby girl got sick this week so it’s just been me and her and she has been such a huge help to me. The biggest heart in the world, I swear. When I’m down in the morning, I pause and pray and she wakes up with the biggest smile. I know God answers my prayers through her. She gives me the biggest hug like she is saying everything will be okay. And I know it will.

I always look forward to the weekends. That’s when we are back whole as a family and have the best time of our lives. But when Sunday rolls around I get that anxious feeling because I know the new week is here. Kids are back in school, wife is back at work and it’s just me. And I know I’m never alone. But I am. It’s a battle between me and the devil. And right now I’m undefeated.

It pains me that I appreciate life more now than ever. I feel like time is slipping away as I’m drowning in my own mind, gasping for air. I assumed life after cancer would be a breeze, but nah. The fight still continues. Protect your mental and block the static noise.

Rebirth.

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As each day goes by I’ve been learning something new about myself. Last week, my son and I were playing Tony Hawk and as I was staring at him, it hit me. No matter what he does, whether he is reading, playing his Switch or watching TV he has to be right under me, lol. Not going to lie, I was never in tune with my emotions or his for that matter. I would either ignore it or brush it off. When I came to realization how I’ve been neglecting him, it hurt a bit. I instantly had regrets. I know I’m a good father, but empathy, I’m still learning (thank you BK). I regret not embracing him more and having more conversations with him. Not that I completely ignore him but we all have our moments as parents where we just want to be left alone. Once I came to realization, I had to correct it.

So I put together a plan and I set a long term goal for myself. For his summer break instead of doing the old fashioned work books and reading I was going to work on his mental health. Every morning we will work out together whether it is biking, skateboarding, a simple walk - whatever to get our hearts pumping. After our morning workout we will meditate together, read our books for the day and have a dialogue on what we read. A simple dialogue goes the distance. We are even journaling together and manifesting any and everything positive. And it’s been awesome thus far. I’m understanding his feelings a lot more by simple communication. And he is learning more about myself as well. I have no problem being transparent as possible with him and he’s been asking the right questions so the floor is his.

“I can describe this feeling only as consistent, unwavering, highly organized energy. It was nothing like the chemical emotions we normally feel as human beings. In fact, in that moment I knew I couldn't even feel this normal human emotions, I had evolved beyond them. I did, however, feel love, although it was an evolved form of love that was not chemical but electric. I felt almost as though I was on fire, passionately in love with life. I was in an incredibly pure form of joy.” - Becoming Supernatural. This quote has been lingering on my mind for a while. I feel like I reached a new unexplainable milestone in life. More in tune with myself and others, and just have a soul that’s hunger for more. I attended a growth track exercise recently with my church to understand my purpose in life. It was very fulfilling and I learned so much about myself. We took a personality test and I got to see how much I grew not only mentally but spiritually. It was pretty amazing to see how my top traits were connected and intertwined with my second chance at life. Beyond grateful for this new beginning. Adding some photos that kept my spirit thriving this week, until next time.


Forever Mother's Day.

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Happy Mother’s Day! This Mother’s Day is very special to me. As you may know, I’ve been battling Stage IV Stomach Cancer this past year. My wife has been my side every single day, doctor appointments, chemotherapy, etc. When I hit rock bottom, she was there. When I “glitched” she embraced me and reassured everything will be okay, “give yourself grace babe. I’m here.” When she would tell me that, I’d close my eyes, pray and relive the best memories of this year. I compiled those memories into a short video. Never told my wife this and I am so happy to finally share to her what I see when I close my eyes every time I’m stuck in the “dark place”, when I pray, meditate, when I simply blink - I think of you. Thank you for showing me the light my love. You mean the WORLD to me, Benjamin and Brooklyn. You are truly the glue to the family. I am so happy to wake up to you and the kids. Thank you. You are forever in my memories for a lifetime and beyond. Happy Mother’s Day.

Record is by JMSN, Foolin’ (Live North Hollywood)

Purpose

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It’s story time. Mentally going into that surgery I was strong as hell. I remember pulling up to the hospital with my wife and dad. Due to COVID only 1 visitor could go into the surgery center. My dad decided this is where he ends and told my wife she should go with me. Being so focus, I shrugged it off. But then checking-in I broke down. I was scared as shit. Panicking, I forgot to give my dad a hug and tell him see you when I wake up. I doubled backed in search of him and gave him the biggest hug I could ever give. Haven’t gave him that type of hug since he surprised us by coming home early from his 1 year tour from Kuwait. Then he told me he loved me and of course I just let it all out. And he looked me in my eyes, “you are a White. No task is too tough. You got this! Stay strong!” Fast forward, first three days was tough as hell. During surgery my surgical team performed a HIPEC. Basically they heated my body up and placed the chemo directly on my stomach. I never been so stuck in the dark place for what seemed an eternity. I was hooked up with IV’s and tubes from all over. Had an IV directly in my neck, straight to the heart. First three days was so damn hard and depressing. I barely remember the first few days because of all the pain killers I was on. I know I checked in with family and friends, but definitely don’t remember the conversations. What I do remember, day 3 late at night. Scared, alone and have officially hit rock bottom. I never felt so much void in my entire life. I felt stuck and filled with so many deep dark emotions. I closed my eyes and just prayed so hard to God. At this moment I thought it was time for me to cross over. Not going to lie. I thought I was going to die in that hospital bed. I just didn’t want to fight this battle anymore. All the chemo, and future chemo sessions I had left, just wanted to give up. I told God at that very moment, I surrender myself completely to you. Whatever plans you have for me, whether you take me now or not. I am at your mercy, I surrender myself. And I ended it with the Lord’s Prayer. About 5 minutes later, my guardian angel, Miss Monica (technician) came in to check on me. I will never forget her or that moment. She saw me down and out and got me out that bed and we went on a long walk and just talked. She shared her story with me (breast cancer survivor) and she read me Isiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I realized, God sent me a sign. You have a bigger purpose in life. And the most beautiful thing is, God allowed me to start over. To get a second chance at life. Forever grateful for this next chapter. I’m still figuring things out and unsure of what is to come. But I’m here, alive, cancer free, and more in love with life than ever before. 

Warm welcome, finally home.

Holidays + Life Update

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The holidays are here. This year has been a wild ride. My surgery was suppose to be on the 30th but due to COVID it got pushed back a week. Silver lining, I get to spend time with my family and bring in the new year with them, especially my daughter and father as they share the same birthday (January 1). Not going to lie, I was super sad about having to bring in the new year by myself. But God has a way of answering your prayers. Grateful to bring in 2022 with my family. With that being said, Christmas was different. Pops called and said this year is canceled due to COVID, especially with my surgery around the corner. Grateful I still was able to see them, mom and pops dropped off a huge buffet of food for us. Was unable to see my sister and her family but glad technology allows us to see each other virtually. We did a drive-by to my in-laws crib. That was super emotional in itself. But all in all, I’m taking things a day at a time. Constantly praying, meditating and spending time with family. Grateful to have them by my side and all my close friends who have constantly checked-in. I’m in great hands. Spirits are high and I’m super confident I’ll be cancer free by Summer 2022. It’s a long journey with surgery and more chemo sessions but we can’t let these numbers and stages define you. There are so many battle stories out there. My heart goes out to everyone especially the children. You guys are the true warriors. We can overcome this, stay positive and take things a day at a time. And as my wife always says, give yourself grace. I know I’m super hard on myself and get overwhelmed with simple shit I forget or miss a step on. But give yourself grace in anything you do. Continue to love yourself and show love when you can. Life is truly fragile.

I also would like to dedicate this post to my good brother Brett and the Pierce family. We lost a true brethren, Sean recently. He was such a great inspiration in our lives. I know you are watching over all of us and guiding us on this path called life. Just want to say happy early birthday big bro. Love you and continue to fill everyone hearts with the love you showed us over the years. You are missed bro. Love always.

An Open Letter (11/2021)

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It’s been quite a while. I’ve been trying to figure out how I wanted to announce this on a public forum. I got diagnosed with Stage IV Stomach Cancer in September. It’s been tough as hell but I’m hanging in there. So grateful to have a strong support system with family and friends. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation, prayer and photography on my downtime. Getting back to my foundation and keeping my mind busy. Anyways, I want to keep the creativity going. I penned an open letter and wanted to just share it with you. Get all these emotions off my chest and just leave it here and start the healing process. Thank you for ALL of your well wishes and prayers. It truly means the world to me. Thank you.