The road to recovery has been a long one. Complete transparency and I’m going to just speak from the heart. I’ve been struggling hard mentally the past few weeks. I feel lost, anxious, scared, lonely and deeply depressed. I can’t even open up my email without being an emotional mess because it’s just medical bills and bullshit. I’ve been so far deep into the dark end, and I’m terrified where it may lead.

Having cancer has effected me tremendously. I pushed myself through 8 brutal rounds of chemotherapy, partial gastrectomy, HIPEC, multiple blood work and scans (ongoing), 2 bowel obstructions with another surgery on the horizon and I’m just…fuckin’ tired. I’m drained mentally. Only thing that keeps me going at this point is my beautiful family. I can’t go a day without crying to my mom on FaceTime because I’m not sure if it’s the last time I’ll speak to her. Something about Mom’s they just know when something is wrong. And I know it pains my dad to see me like this. Told me to keep pushing, “I retire next year. You can do it! Just me and you spending our days fishing and crabbing. Whatever you want to do we’ll do it together.” And I’m trying my hardest to make it. I am trying.

My son started school this week so it’s an abrupt change to my routine. I had a sigh of relief at first, “cool he’s going back to school and I can get back to my morning ME time.” But no, I don’t want to be left alone. That’s my little side kick, my mini-me and best friend. Baby girl got sick this week so it’s just been me and her and she has been such a huge help to me. The biggest heart in the world, I swear. When I’m down in the morning, I pause and pray and she wakes up with the biggest smile. I know God answers my prayers through her. She gives me the biggest hug like she is saying everything will be okay. And I know it will.

I always look forward to the weekends. That’s when we are back whole as a family and have the best time of our lives. But when Sunday rolls around I get that anxious feeling because I know the new week is here. Kids are back in school, wife is back at work and it’s just me. And I know I’m never alone. But I am. It’s a battle between me and the devil. And right now I’m undefeated.

It pains me that I appreciate life more now than ever. I feel like time is slipping away as I’m drowning in my own mind, gasping for air. I assumed life after cancer would be a breeze, but nah. The fight still continues. Protect your mental and block the static noise.