Finding Hope in the Journey: Reflections

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As I celebrated my one year of being cancer-free, I couldn't help but reflect on the journey that brought me here. It was a journey of ups and downs, of triumphs and defeats, and of hope and despair. During this first year, I was hospitalized multiple times, each time having to start over and over again. It was a frustrating and discouraging experience that took a toll on me mentally.

At times, I found myself battling suicidal thoughts. I couldn't help but wonder if this was what life had in store for me. Was I destined to fight this battle forever? Would I ever be able to find my purpose again? These were questions that consumed me and left me feeling lost and empty.

But in the midst of all this darkness, there was a glimmer of hope. I turned to prayer, talking with my wife, and reading. I spent more time at church, attending events, and eventually serving with the Film team. It was through serving that I found my love for filmmaking and photography had grown tremendously. Just creating for the love of it.

It was through serving a bigger purpose that I was able to align a lot of things up for myself. I wanted to keep my faith strong, be consistent with my goals, and just help others. Being an inspiration to others and spreading hope among the community became my purpose.

And as I move forward on this journey, I found that things do get better. My relationship with God is stronger, and my soul is being fulfilled throughout the week. I continue to strengthen my relationship with my family as well, knowing that they had seen me at my lowest and that it had taken a toll on them mentally. We are still navigating, but life gets better each day.

Looking back on my journey, I realize that finding my purpose again was not an easy journey. It required me to be vulnerable, to ask for help, and to believe that things could get better. But I am here, alive and well, and that is something to be grateful for. And if my journey can inspire even one person to not lose hope, then it was all worth it.

Purpose

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It’s story time. Mentally going into that surgery I was strong as hell. I remember pulling up to the hospital with my wife and dad. Due to COVID only 1 visitor could go into the surgery center. My dad decided this is where he ends and told my wife she should go with me. Being so focus, I shrugged it off. But then checking-in I broke down. I was scared as shit. Panicking, I forgot to give my dad a hug and tell him see you when I wake up. I doubled backed in search of him and gave him the biggest hug I could ever give. Haven’t gave him that type of hug since he surprised us by coming home early from his 1 year tour from Kuwait. Then he told me he loved me and of course I just let it all out. And he looked me in my eyes, “you are a White. No task is too tough. You got this! Stay strong!” Fast forward, first three days was tough as hell. During surgery my surgical team performed a HIPEC. Basically they heated my body up and placed the chemo directly on my stomach. I never been so stuck in the dark place for what seemed an eternity. I was hooked up with IV’s and tubes from all over. Had an IV directly in my neck, straight to the heart. First three days was so damn hard and depressing. I barely remember the first few days because of all the pain killers I was on. I know I checked in with family and friends, but definitely don’t remember the conversations. What I do remember, day 3 late at night. Scared, alone and have officially hit rock bottom. I never felt so much void in my entire life. I felt stuck and filled with so many deep dark emotions. I closed my eyes and just prayed so hard to God. At this moment I thought it was time for me to cross over. Not going to lie. I thought I was going to die in that hospital bed. I just didn’t want to fight this battle anymore. All the chemo, and future chemo sessions I had left, just wanted to give up. I told God at that very moment, I surrender myself completely to you. Whatever plans you have for me, whether you take me now or not. I am at your mercy, I surrender myself. And I ended it with the Lord’s Prayer. About 5 minutes later, my guardian angel, Miss Monica (technician) came in to check on me. I will never forget her or that moment. She saw me down and out and got me out that bed and we went on a long walk and just talked. She shared her story with me (breast cancer survivor) and she read me Isiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I realized, God sent me a sign. You have a bigger purpose in life. And the most beautiful thing is, God allowed me to start over. To get a second chance at life. Forever grateful for this next chapter. I’m still figuring things out and unsure of what is to come. But I’m here, alive, cancer free, and more in love with life than ever before. 

Warm welcome, finally home.

Holidays + Life Update

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The holidays are here. This year has been a wild ride. My surgery was suppose to be on the 30th but due to COVID it got pushed back a week. Silver lining, I get to spend time with my family and bring in the new year with them, especially my daughter and father as they share the same birthday (January 1). Not going to lie, I was super sad about having to bring in the new year by myself. But God has a way of answering your prayers. Grateful to bring in 2022 with my family. With that being said, Christmas was different. Pops called and said this year is canceled due to COVID, especially with my surgery around the corner. Grateful I still was able to see them, mom and pops dropped off a huge buffet of food for us. Was unable to see my sister and her family but glad technology allows us to see each other virtually. We did a drive-by to my in-laws crib. That was super emotional in itself. But all in all, I’m taking things a day at a time. Constantly praying, meditating and spending time with family. Grateful to have them by my side and all my close friends who have constantly checked-in. I’m in great hands. Spirits are high and I’m super confident I’ll be cancer free by Summer 2022. It’s a long journey with surgery and more chemo sessions but we can’t let these numbers and stages define you. There are so many battle stories out there. My heart goes out to everyone especially the children. You guys are the true warriors. We can overcome this, stay positive and take things a day at a time. And as my wife always says, give yourself grace. I know I’m super hard on myself and get overwhelmed with simple shit I forget or miss a step on. But give yourself grace in anything you do. Continue to love yourself and show love when you can. Life is truly fragile.

I also would like to dedicate this post to my good brother Brett and the Pierce family. We lost a true brethren, Sean recently. He was such a great inspiration in our lives. I know you are watching over all of us and guiding us on this path called life. Just want to say happy early birthday big bro. Love you and continue to fill everyone hearts with the love you showed us over the years. You are missed bro. Love always.

An Open Letter (11/2021)

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It’s been quite a while. I’ve been trying to figure out how I wanted to announce this on a public forum. I got diagnosed with Stage IV Stomach Cancer in September. It’s been tough as hell but I’m hanging in there. So grateful to have a strong support system with family and friends. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation, prayer and photography on my downtime. Getting back to my foundation and keeping my mind busy. Anyways, I want to keep the creativity going. I penned an open letter and wanted to just share it with you. Get all these emotions off my chest and just leave it here and start the healing process. Thank you for ALL of your well wishes and prayers. It truly means the world to me. Thank you.